The social rise of the Single Mother

Some time ago, I can’t remember how many years exactly but probably when I was newly single a friend said how sorry they were that my husband and I had split up. I said that I was sorry too and that I still loved him very much. ‘No’ they replied, ‘I am sorry for Tallulah’. ‘Yes’ I agreed, ‘she loves him too and will miss him a lot’. ‘No’ they replied again, ‘She won’t have the same advantages as other children of two parent families’.

Yep, thanks for that….

However, I don’t think she’s alone in thinking this: an article in Harpers Bazaar in 2019 considers this; ‘Who are these children at a disadvantage to, the children of TWO parents in an abusive relationship, who grow up in households filled with anger and fear? The children of TWO parents living through affairs, heartbreak and unhappiness? Or just the media pedalled nuclear family who ‘have it all’?.

The article goes on to say; ‘These women, doing the job of two, thriving against the odds, deserve the support and respect of the state’(Harpers Bazaar, 2019). Yes Harpers, we do!

There were 2.9 million one parent families in 2020 which accounts for 14.7% of families in the UK (Office of National Statistics, 2021). Lots of us became single mothers because we couldn’t stay married, maybe we were victims of adultery, abandoned, widowed, for whatever reason we found ourselves doing it on our own. Sometimes by choice but sometimes because there was no other choice.

We deserve support and respect, neither us or our children should be stigmatised or considered part of society’s ‘underclass’.

We contribute to society, we work as well as bring up our children, in fact according to latest statistics just over two thirds of single mothers are in the work, the same figure as single women with no children (Harpers Bazaar, 2019).

If you consider there are 2.9 million single parents and that less than half had their children within marriage you can clearly see how our society is changing.

Tony Parsons and Bob Geldof have shown society that men can be successful single parents too and whilst 9 out of 10 single parents are women I am beginning to feel that the label ‘single mother’, is no longer a label that carries the prejudice it used to. After all, millionaire novelist JK Rowling was single mother, wasn’t she?

Historically, and even as late as the 1970’s women who tried to have children on their own were forced to give up their babies. in fact half a million British babies were forcibly removed from their mothers in the 50’s and 60’s. in 2018 MP’S demanded an apology for unmarried mothers who gave up children, sixty years later calling for decades of pain to be recognised (The Observer, 2018).

MP’s called for the government to apologise to women who were coerced into handing over their babies for adoption. More than half a million children were given up for adoption at a time when unmarried mothers were often rejected by their families and ostracised by society. These adoptions were generally managed by agencies run by the Church of England, The Roman Catholic Church and The Salvation Army (Observer, 2018). Surely you ask yourself, shouldn’t the Church be helping children stay with their mothers rather than take them away?

Even God seemed against us!

But this isn’t as bad as it used to be, imagine being pregnant out of wedlock in the Victorian era, or Edwardian. Single mothers were failures, misfits or worst still harlots and fallen women.

Whilst we still have a way to go, single mothers now have much more support and can go on to be successful, contributing to society, with huge spending power. Just look at the famous Hollywood actresses who at some point have been single mothers; Angelina Jolie, Malin Akerman, Sandra Bullock, Michelle Williams, Denise Richards, Katie Holmes, Padma Lakshmi, Gwyneth Paltrow, Charlize Theron and Sheryl Crow.

Whilst it wasn’t my choice to be a single mother the one thing I do know is its made my daughter and I closer. This isn’t always easy, it makes her incredibly dependent on me and sometimes I worry about my ability to meet all her needs on my own. That said though, there are some moments where I allow myself to feel proud of this amazing young human I’ve raised and the life we’ve created together.

Being a single mother or father can be very lonely and scary, but there are rewards too and when I look at the amazing strong single mothers I know I realise beyond all doubt that we are a force to be reckoned with and no longer looked down on as we used to be.

Why not share your story with us on the link below

WHY NOW…?

The other night I was lying in bed, it was early probably around 6am. I was thinking that it was time to get up and do some stretching/yoga which I try to do most mornings, but fail at and normally do about 4 times a week. So, as I was getting up I was thinking about the day and week ahead. I was thinking about a party I was going to attend for a friend’s big birthday, about a dinner I was throwing for some friends and the trip I had planned for two weeks hence where I was taking my daughter to Venice for a long weekend.

I thought to myself as I looked around my lovely bedroom; ‘my life is pretty good’. Okay so I won’t lie sometimes being a single mother is lonely and honestly I would love a partner, a lovely boyfriend who stood by me along the way, but there is no one currently, there hasn’t been a significant one for years and I’ve been paddling my own canoe for a while now. I pay for the house I live in, the car I drive, the clothes on my back, the clothes on my daughters back, her school fees. I do it all on my own with a small contribution from her absent father.

I have sole custody of my daughter, my ex husband lives miles away and rarely sees her (although I must say he does love her dearly), but he is not around to help with school runs, homework, babysitting so I can go out, shopping, driving her to social events, sports meetings, the dentist, the doctor. I could go on. I do literally everything for her. The ‘buck’ stops, starts and does everything in the middle with me. Its hard work, really hard work when I work full time, but I’ve done it and I continue to do it whilst watching my daughter grow into a pretty spectacular human. I’m a pretty good mother really.

I recently asked her if she thought I was a good mother, she did the classic teenager ‘grunt’ then said yes. I asked her if there was anything she’d change, ‘your age’ she said, I’m 56, bloody cheek. Then she thought more and said ‘I wish you didn’t work so hard’. That stung, and yes she is probably right but that’s how it is and how I provide such an amazing life for us both.

I’m proud of my degrees, my work and how well my child is doing at school. I’m glad I’ve managed to pull myself out of such a terrible pit of despair. I am sorry I work so hard and don’t get to spend more time with her, it’s a trade off at the end of the day.

It’s a long way from how it used to be. When my marriage, and then subsequent relationship, ended I was in a very dark place. I was properly broke, completely unhinged with no discernible career path or job opportunity. When I sold my house and landed in the country with my little daughter I had no idea what I was going to do.

Fast forward almost a decade and here I am looking at this beautiful room in this beautiful house in an area of outstanding beauty. I’ve got a degree, a postgraduate diploma and I run a hugely successful business, ‘wow’, I think ‘I’ve got this nailed’.

I lay back on the bed and thought about my life and the life I’ve given my daughter and mused ‘I really have done this all on my own, and it’s great, and I’m fine being a single mother. I can paddle my own canoe, I don’t feel lonely, I travel, I socialise, I look fantastic… really life is great. I don’t feel judged or less for not being in a relationship in fact I feel strong, capable and fearless’.

I thought about how the world viewed single mothers and realised how much things had changed, I thought about all the famous people who credited their single mothers with their success and suddenly I had this idea; ‘why not celebrate our successes with a website, blog, podcast and talks about how things had changed.’

‘Look at how far we’ve come, let’s celebrate the rise of the single mother’. Oh ‘blimey’ I thought, ‘I bet no one is doing anything that celebrates this or gives it a platform’.

So this is how ‘The Rise of the Single Mother’ was born. It’s a space for you to share your stories with us, your pictures with us, your lives with us, your successes with us.

We can’t wait to hear from you.